I exist still. I remember that from time to time.
I am a person that never has stopped but I never feel I ever got going. I know, this sounds like those old phrases of my former writing, but I still feel these contradictions of myself inside even after all these years. I am this one thing but inside of me is against everything I am doing. And I am writing something right now that isn't a business email for the first time in many a year.
So I've been diving back into music to get through the day. All my favorites are all 40ish while I am ... let's say getting to be 40ish. Hayden released 'Us Alone' which is a loving tribute to his family and all his domestic life. If nothing else, he always wrote about what he saw in front of him, and he continues that tradition majestically. Wife, child, his home and the responsibility of the day-to-day. And there's nothing wrong with that really. It's honest and true and even at times fun. When I saw him in 2007 in Brooklyn he was boring and listless ... directionless. Like another action hero making the same action movie. 6 years changes a lot and this new album is better. A lot better.
But the sounds I have found of late are 'Radical Face' and 'Electric President' both headed up by Ben Cooper who probably is best able to represent how I am feeling more than any artist I've felt in a long while. E.P. is poppy, with Postal Service drum loops and chorus repeats that pull you in whilst waiting for all those NYC subway trains and elevators. RF is an acoustic guitar driven powerhouse of emotion and anthems I have missed so much. Hand claps pull both bands together. Unbeknownst to me, Radical Face has a huge Nikon commercial hit in the UK. It makes a lot of sense, I would them it to any commercial I worked on, just on principal alone.
And that brings this back to me. As I mentioned, I exist still. I am this being that breathes. Who is fatter, lazier, and definitely stupider. I don't have those long conversational emails with people anymore. I don't write anymore. I don't even get out of bed on time. I just do what I have to pay the bills. I drink entirely too much.
I do make more money. A lot more money than I ever did in Seattle, where I wrote nightly and at any chance I could. In 1999 somebody made fun of me because I was writing a novel on my lunch breaks. "What you are going to write the great American novel one hour at a time?" It didn't occur to me that I couldn't. But I did stop shortly after. Chapter 3 remains unfinished to this day.
Not that writing makes a life more of a life, but it helped me justify my existence. Now, I have conquered most of my fears. I am not afraid of people, meetings, notes, projects, responsibility, and even speeches. Nothing. It's all the numb day-to-day. When my bosses yell at me, it's because they pay so much, they are expecting all the more from me. They are expecting more money to roll in. I am no coordinator anymore ... It's OK, I get it. I just fucking hate you for it. And you people are worse than Hitler.
I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about my life. I do that because I am insecure of myself. I take great pride in my accomplishments because they are all I have. I worked extremely hard for where I am at now. I gave up all who I was to be here. And I want that to mean something. I want what I do and who I am now to mean something.
Oh. And I lost all my JFKco writings. I don't mean to say that off handily, but they are most assuredly gone. It's a bit cathartic as I use to destroy my writings as a youth. But as a mostly old man now, it's an enormous loss of who I was. I imagine that this is what Alzheimer's is like. I actually had to pause to remember what that word was.
So hello again. And goodbye. Until ... you know.